"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator 'temporarily out of order sign', only an escalator 'temporarily stairs'. Sorry for the convenience."
Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah"
Mitch Hedberg
One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.
-Groucho Marx
"I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."
--Yogi Berra, speaking on the day of his induction into the Hall of Fame.
Last edited by LA Ute; 12-14-2013 at 04:54 PM.
"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
--Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
--Yeats
“True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”
--John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell
"I never forget a face. But in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception"
Groucho Marx
Life's tough. But it's tougher if you're stupid. The Duke
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“The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides.”
― Carl Sagan
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I bought some some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven wright
If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically. —Jean-Paul Sartre
Last edited by tooblue; 12-16-2013 at 08:53 AM.
I love me some Mitch Hedberg. Some more from this disturbed genius.
I bought a 7 dollar pen, because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.
The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?
I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do shit for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal! I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while! And when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
The walking distance quote was popular in my mission, especially when running out of kilometers on the car at the end of the month.Originally Posted by Brian
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me" -Emo Phillips
Last edited by chrisrenrut; 12-17-2013 at 12:02 PM.
Will Rogers:
It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Steven Wright
No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it anyway.
George Carlin
Life is what happens when you were busy making other plans.
John Lennon
I am awake
Buddha
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." - Yogi Berra
"Ninety feet between home plate and first base may be the closest man has ever come to perfection." - Red Smith
"Rich at 40, broke by 50"
Grandma D
Chip Kelly spent time today correcting the expression "control your own destiny." He noted destiny is predetermined and cannot be controlled"
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"Be a philosopher. A man can compromise to gain a point. It has become apparent that a man can, within limits, follow his inclinations within the arms of the Church if he does so discreetly." - The Walking Drum
"And here’s what life comes down to—not how many years you live, but how many of those years are filled with bullshit that doesn’t amount to anything to satisfy the requirements of some dickhead you’ll never get the pleasure of punching in the face." – Adam Carolla
The reason the critics all like Elvis Costello better than me is because they all look like Elvis Costello.
David Lee Roth
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
I haven't slept for 10 days. Because that would be too long
Mitch Hedberg
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