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Thread: I learned in Church today

  1. #1
    Living in the past ... FMCoug's Avatar
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    I learned in Church today

    Let's get this sucker started here. For those not aware, this is another great old CUF thread. Mostly used to poke fun at things (i.e. crazy apocryphal stories, leaders drunk on power and doing dumb things, etc.) but with some occasional nuggets of good stuff in there too. Since it's open mic sunday tomorrow we should be able to get started off right!

    Stuff from other churches (i.e. not Mormon) are of course welcome too.

  2. #2
    Well, since I am going to church for the first time in about 5 weeks tomorrow, I'll pay extra attention.

  3. #3
    So far - it's now cool to wear a BYU tie and drop lines from songs during/in a baby blessing.

    2 - it's acceptable to nurse a baby while bearing your testimony.

  4. #4
    I might not have the best kids in the world, but I definitely don't have the worst.

  5. #5
    Living in the past ... FMCoug's Avatar
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    Finally got one. We are hearing a testimony of the Lone Peak basketball team and their national exposure as a missionary tool.

  6. #6
    Uniform Fashion Expert HuskyFreeNorthwest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Utah View Post
    I might not have the best kids in the world, but I definitely don't have the worst.
    I'm in te clubhouse with a 40 stroke lead, that green jacket is mine.

  7. #7
    Sweet. Glad to see this thread make it's way over.

    During missionary correlation this morning the stake mission president slipped a comment in that I can only hope was just unfortunate wording. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm still going to bring it here for your enjoyment.

    "He's Hispanic, but other than that, a total stand up guy."

    During the third hour, the EQ lesson was introduced as a sensiive topic which triggered my pornography alarm, but turned out that it was about finding balance between tolerance and taking moral stands. I waited the whole meeting expecting some great crazy comments but none came.

    Apparently all the crazy comments were reserved for relief society. My wife reported that in the middle of the lesson one of the sister interrupted with, "Let's be honest here. We're talking about gay marriage. The gays think that Prop. 8 was about the LDS church being hateful, but I can't think of a more out pouring of love than Prop. 8!"

  8. #8
    Year to Date record in my ward for most participants in a baby blessing: 15
    Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

  9. #9

    Giving a squirrel a blessing

    We have a real interesting lady in our ward. She claimed that she and her husband were walking one day in the forest and saw a squirrel with both of its back legs broken. She told her husband to go heal the squirrel and wouldn't you know, the squirrel got up and ran away into the woods after the laying on of hands. Not certain if the squirrel thanked them afterwards.

    This is the same lady that 15 months ago, compared Santa to Satan in front of the congregation and outed Santa Claus in front of lots of young kids. This lady is real interesting person to put in mildly.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Woody View Post
    We have a real interesting lady in our ward. She claimed that she and her husband were walking one day in the forest and saw a squirrel with both of its back legs broken. She told her husband to go heal the squirrel and wouldn't you know, the squirrel got up and ran away into the woods after the laying on of hands. Not certain if the squirrel thanked them afterwards.

    This is the same lady that 15 months ago, compared Santa to Satan in front of the congregation and outed Santa Claus in front of lots of young kids. This lady is real interesting person to put in mildly.
    We had someone out Santa in church this last year. Thankfully there wasn't a kid in the congregation paying an ounce of attention, but the uncomfortable shifting going on by adults with Santa-aged children was priceless.

  11. #11
    Educating Cyrus wuapinmon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dwight Schr-Ute View Post
    Sweet. Glad to see this thread make it's way over.

    During missionary correlation this morning the stake mission president slipped a comment in that I can only hope was just unfortunate wording. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm still going to bring it here for your enjoyment.

    "He's Hispanic, but other than that, a total stand up guy."

    During the third hour, the EQ lesson was introduced as a sensiive topic which triggered my pornography alarm, but turned out that it was about finding balance between tolerance and taking moral stands. I waited the whole meeting expecting some great crazy comments but none came.

    Apparently all the crazy comments were reserved for relief society. My wife reported that in the middle of the lesson one of the sister interrupted with, "Let's be honest here. We're talking about gay marriage. The gays think that Prop. 8 was about the LDS church being hateful, but I can't think of a more out pouring of love than Prop. 8!"
    Good Lord! It's a good thing I wasn't there. "WTF DOES THAT MEAN?" One thing I always scratched my head about was missionaries in the mission in Costa Rica making comments about "Mexicans." Being from Georgia, and a convert, I had tons to learn about Utah culture. After living there, I understand it, and it was probably an innocuous comment by someone who has never thought about racism in a meaningful way. But, my reaction would've jumpstarted that conversation.

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by wuapinmon View Post
    Good Lord! It's a good thing I wasn't there. "WTF DOES THAT MEAN?" One thing I always scratched my head about was missionaries in the mission in Costa Rica making comments about "Mexicans." Being from Georgia, and a convert, I had tons to learn about Utah culture. After living there, I understand it, and it was probably an innocuous comment by someone who has never thought about racism in a meaningful way. But, my reaction would've jumpstarted that conversation.
    My family came to get me in Argentina. They still don't understand why I got so upset at them when they referred to the people there as Mexicans. I had to explain to them that most of the people there had more in common with Italians and Germans than they did Mexicans.
    Last edited by utebehindenemylines; 03-04-2013 at 01:02 PM.

  13. #13
    Uniform Fashion Expert HuskyFreeNorthwest's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wuapinmon View Post
    One thing I always scratched my head about was missionaries in the mission in Costa Rica making comments about "Mexicans." Being from Georgia, and a convert, I had tons to learn about Utah culture. After living there, I understand it,
    When you think about racist places, Georgia ranks very low and Utah very high. At least in terms of Hispanic racism. I am sure the Georgians (all Southerners really) that have historically treated African-Americans with such love and respect extend that to people of Latino decent. I had never looked at it like that before.

    The strange thing is that I've actually heard disparaging comments about Hispanics here in Oregon, from non-LDS people. So you might want to warn the South that Utah's vile racism will infect that great area of love and tolerance no matter how many mobs rage or armies assemble.

  14. #14
    Two things:

    1- I must have missed the Sunday when it was stressed that the optimal place to stop and strike up a conversation is in the doorway of the busiest door in the building.

    2- It is a greater sin to sit on the back row than to break the Word of Wisdom (obesity).

  15. #15
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    I learned that in the hands of the right pianist and arranger, and with the right vocalist, even the most familiar church hymn can be sublime. In this case it was "Joseph Smith's First Prayer."

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

  16. #16
    I learned that the first church meetings in the log cabin must have been just like "the circus where they cram 56 Mexican's into a VW bug."

  17. #17
    I learned that the prophets give us stupid rules to see if wwe will be obedient. If you get rid of your two sets of earrings it shows that you are obedient.

    "Sometimes god gives rules with no purpose only to see if we will obedient"



    Sent from my SGH-T999 using Tapatalk 2
    "Be a philosopher. A man can compromise to gain a point. It has become apparent that a man can, within limits, follow his inclinations within the arms of the Church if he does so discreetly." - The Walking Drum

    "And here’s what life comes down to—not how many years you live, but how many of those years are filled with bullshit that doesn’t amount to anything to satisfy the requirements of some dickhead you’ll never get the pleasure of punching in the face." – Adam Carolla

  18. #18
    I noticed in church that the byu people and the Oregon people were very, very quiet today. Does anyone have an idea as to why this was so?
    Desse jeito, não tem jeito.

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by San Diego Ute Fan View Post
    I noticed in church that the byu people and the Oregon people were very, very quiet today. Does anyone have an idea as to why this was so?
    It was because I had a headache.

  20. #20
    I learned that the whole "mission farewell" scene may be the most eternal thing about the church. Still a lot of kids showing up making the meeting something it's not supposed to be, including boys being a little too rowdy for the meeting and girls who are dressed a little not quite right for church in one last attempt to catch the outgoing missionary's eye. Still people making the "oops, we made too many treats and need people to come over and help us eat them after the meeting" joke. Still one of the most spiritual and heartfelt meetings in the church, even with all the accompanying cheesiness.

  21. #21
    We had friends up from Vegas who wanted to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I had never been to a live broadcast before and we had a very good time. It was great to hear some wonderful music, a short spiritual message, and then have the rest of the day to relax.

  22. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by Sullyute View Post
    We had friends up from Vegas who wanted to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I had never been to a live broadcast before and we had a very good time. It was great to hear some wonderful music, a short spiritual message, and then have the rest of the day to relax.
    Funny you should mention that. We also had some friends up and they wanted to go see MoTab. We couldn't go with them, but apparently they arrived one minute after it started and the usher wouldn't let them in.

    They explained they had travelled a long way, so he finally agreed to let them into a room but were told they wouldn't have anywhere to sit, but could watch through a window.

    So he goes to a steel door, swipes a card to unlock it and he puts them in the room and the door locks behind them. Apparently it was a concrete room with a window overlooking things.

    They couldn't leave until he came back to get them, and one of the people who only has heard crazy stuff about Mormons was having some serious anxiety.

    So they came back and told me about their story and I said, "Huh, something must have malfunctioned, typically that room fills up with water to the top and then drains and an announcement comes over the PA 'Congratulations, you've just been baptized a Mormon.'"

    I then asked them, "So are you interested in learning more?"

    They weren't.

  23. #23
    Sexy Cougar SoCalCoug's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mormon Red Death View Post
    I learned that the prophets give us stupid rules to see if wwe will be obedient. If you get rid of your two sets of earrings it shows that you are obedient.

    "Sometimes god gives rules with no purpose only to see if we will obedient"
    I'm going to try that with my kids. Should be effective.

  24. #24
    I had no idea this thread existed! LOVE IT!

    On Sunday, I learned (again) that men are inferior to women and that men need to step up.

    Our sunday school teacher had her husband leave her and the kids many years ago. I am truly sorry she had to go through that. But give me a break! Every time she teaches Sunday School it turns into "you men need to really be better at............" whatever the topic of the day is, it ALWAYS turns into something she can use to further her anti-men agenda. Look, Im married, I have a small child, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but you know what? I try. Just like 95% of LDS men. She is the best at derailing her own lessons with her agenda. Often, its just "you men think you are so cool because you have the priesthood!? Well you ARENT! God gave you that Priesthood because women already have things figured out!" ALWAYS talks in blanket statements like that with no caveats that "yeah some women are lousy and some men figure it out" nothing.

    Rant over, for now.

  25. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by UtahsMrSports View Post
    I had no idea this thread existed! LOVE IT!

    On Sunday, I learned (again) that men are inferior to women and that men need to step up.

    Our sunday school teacher had her husband leave her and the kids many years ago. I am truly sorry she had to go through that. But give me a break! Every time she teaches Sunday School it turns into "you men need to really be better at............" whatever the topic of the day is, it ALWAYS turns into something she can use to further her anti-men agenda. Look, Im married, I have a small child, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but you know what? I try. Just like 95% of LDS men. She is the best at derailing her own lessons with her agenda. Often, its just "you men think you are so cool because you have the priesthood!? Well you ARENT! God gave you that Priesthood because women already have things figured out!" ALWAYS talks in blanket statements like that with no caveats that "yeah some women are lousy and some men figure it out" nothing.

    Rant over, for now.
    Yeah I'd be finding a new class... or my son would suddenly require some assistance in nursery every week.

  26. #26
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UtahsMrSports View Post
    I had no idea this thread existed! LOVE IT!

    On Sunday, I learned (again) that men are inferior to women and that men need to step up.

    Our sunday school teacher had her husband leave her and the kids many years ago. I am truly sorry she had to go through that. But give me a break! Every time she teaches Sunday School it turns into "you men need to really be better at............" whatever the topic of the day is, it ALWAYS turns into something she can use to further her anti-men agenda. Look, Im married, I have a small child, I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but you know what? I try. Just like 95% of LDS men. She is the best at derailing her own lessons with her agenda. Often, its just "you men think you are so cool because you have the priesthood!? Well you ARENT! God gave you that Priesthood because women already have things figured out!" ALWAYS talks in blanket statements like that with no caveats that "yeah some women are lousy and some men figure it out" nothing.

    Rant over, for now.
    What? You don't think the SS teacher should be confessing the sins of the class members?

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

  27. #27
    My son was assigned to read the opening scripture in sharing time. I whispered the words in his ear as he spoke in the microphone. When it was over, he proceeded to say into the mic "you have bad breath!" I guess he didn't like the watermelon gum I was chewing.
    Last edited by Sullyute; 03-17-2013 at 10:08 AM.

  28. #28
    A 14yo girl was giving a talk about forgiveness and cited the story about the woman taken in adultery and taken to Christ. She was pointing out how the men who brought her were evil and says, "obviously these men were lying. First of all, it takes two people, so where was the man? Secondly, how would you even catch someone in the very act?!"

    Lots of amused glances around the congregation, we later agreed her logic was infallible.

  29. #29
    I learned the Area 70 President, who sat in my Sunday School class today, was not amused when I substituted a poem by W. H. Auden for a conference talk by Boyd K. Packer.

    The fact that Auden stated my point more precisely than Packer ever could is irrelevant.

    The More Loving One, by W.H. Auden

    Looking king up at the stars, I know quite well
    That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
    But on earth indifference is the least
    We have to dread from man or beast.

    How should we like it were stars to burn
    With a passion for us we could not return?
    If equal affection cannot be,
    Let the more loving one be me.


    Admirer as I think I am
    Of stars that do not give a damn,
    I cannot, now I see them, say
    I missed one terribly all day.

    Were all stars to disappear or die, I should learn to look at an empty sky
    And feel its total dark sublime,
    Though this might take me a little time.
    Last edited by NorthwestUteFan; 03-24-2013 at 11:39 PM.

  30. #30
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    This letter was read in our ward today:

    FPLTR.jpg

    In a training session, our stake president added some guidance: "Brief" in this context means 3-5 minutes. Also, regarding children's testimonies, "old enough" means the child is able to come up to the stand by himself/herself, if a pass-around microphone is not being used. No "duets" with parents holding the child or standing by, whispering in the child's ear. Our bishop read the letter, then added the SP's guidance. I loved the whole thing. I guess this has become a problem in the Wasatch Front wards? That's usually what prompts letters like these. But I welcome the help even out here in the hinterland.

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

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