Favorite quotes

[Brian]

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator 'temporarily out of order sign', only an escalator 'temporarily stairs'. Sorry for the convenience."
Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah"
Mitch Hedberg

[cald22well]

One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.
-Groucho Marx

[LA Ute]

"I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."

--Yogi Berra, speaking on the day of his induction into the Hall of Fame.

[Newbomb Turk]

"I never forget a face. But in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception"

Groucho Marx

[UtahDan]

Life's tough. But it's tougher if you're stupid. The Duke


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[Brian]

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Steven wright

[tooblue]

If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically. —Jean-Paul Sartre

[Brian]

I love me some Mitch Hedberg. Some more from this disturbed genius.


I bought a 7 dollar pen, because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.

The thing that's depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "say thanks."

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or just a really cool opotamus?

I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, then I don't do shit for an hour. Which makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal! I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I did comedy for a fundraiser once, we were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while! And when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."

[chrisrenrut]

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The walking distance quote was popular in my mission, especially when running out of kilometers on the car at the end of the month.

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me" -Emo Phillips

[U-Ute]

Will Rogers:

It isn't what we don't know that gives us trouble, it's what we know that ain't so.

[Brian]

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Steven Wright

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it anyway.
George Carlin

Life is what happens when you were busy making other plans.
John Lennon

I am awake
Buddha

[GarthUte]

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours." - Yogi Berra

[Viking]

"Rich at 40, broke by 50"

Grandma D

[Mormon Red Death]

Chip Kelly spent time today correcting the expression "control your own destiny." He noted destiny is predetermined and cannot be controlled"

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[Devildog]

The reason the critics all like Elvis Costello better than me is because they all look like Elvis Costello.

David Lee Roth

[Brian]

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

[Brian]

I haven't slept for 10 days. Because that would be too long

Mitch Hedberg