My widow mother

[wuapinmon]

My dad died in 2007 of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. He was bipolar and didn't manage his down phases well. He was almost always 'up,' but the down times were just awful.

He got back active in church (he was a convert at 16) in 1990. My mom was baptized while I was on my mission in 1993 (I was baptized in Jan 1991). They were sealed a year later, and I was sealed to them the day after I got home in Feb 1995.

My parents endured. The last year of his life, with an addled brain, was especially hard for my mom. He started back into his old ways, pre-reactivation in the church (he had countless affairs), registering secretly on dating sites, treating my mother very poorly. Combative, cruel, arrogant (his illness coincided with the rapid rise of the company he founded), he made life hard for her.

We had no idea he was sick until August. By September he was nuts, but early October, he was comatose. The doctors didn't know what it was. I actually diagnosed him first, but I was told that the disease was so rare that it was unlikely. Post-mortem autopsy confirmed sporadic CJD.

My mom spent most of the last few years depressed. She has generalized anxiety disorder. I have a bipolar sister. My mom has no siblings, cousins, or parents left. In late Summer, after spending too much time in my life trying to help her, I'd had enough. I told her to leave me alone and not bother me. It pained me to do it, but helping her was hurting me. She lost a ton of weight, got on eHarmony, and started dating.

She met a dude in Kentucky. Church member, devout, divorced, jilted, and with some rare kind of MD that leaves him wheelchair bound. My mom is in love with him. And, last month, she asked me what I thought about getting unsealed from my dad and getting sealed to her new man. I didn't react how she wanted, but I tried to be magnanimous as I could, listening to her want to cleave her relationship with my dad in two when she had previously cleaved to him. That was last month. Now, she's telling me that she should've never been sealed to him, that the whole thing was a mistake.

Where does that leave me? My mom basically just told me that she's getting a divorce, that he was evil, etc. Make no mistake, he could be a jerk, but it's not like my mom didn't screw around either. What I feel right now is perhaps the worst set of emotions I've ever brooked.

:cry:

[LA Ute]

Wuap, I'm sorry. I am trying (unsuccessfully) to imagine how trying all of that must be for you. I hope you get a break from it and a chance to recharge your batteries.

if it helps, I've been prepping for Easter Sunday next week and re-read this talk by Elder Wirthlin. Maybe it'll give you a lift:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/sunday-will-come?lang=eng

[Sullyute]

Wuap, you are the rock that your family goes to when they need advice, have problems, want affirmation, or seek a shoulder to cry on. It can be very emotionally, spiritually, and physically taxing to carry this burden and responsibility alone. I don't have good advice to give that you haven't already heard but I hope you find the strength you need to continue to be that rock.

[Devildog]

Damn Waup.

You've got a lot of rough family crap to deal with.

Don't let it make you question yourself. You didn't create any of it, all you've tried to do is help. Some things in life are just out of our control, we try to do what we can.

I would try to focus your attention on your wife and kids. You are a good dude, try to make them happy.

[Rocker Ute]

Sorry to hear waup, that is really tough stuff to deal with. Hope our previous conversation didn't seem insensitive to these challenges. I had a friend in a similar situation where he saw best to put distance between himself and actually both his parents, he said to me, "The best way that I can honor them is to live my life great irrespective of their choices." Hope you can work this out.

[wuapinmon]

Sorry to hear waup, that is really tough stuff to deal with. Hope our previous conversation didn't seem insensitive to these challenges. I had a friend in a similar situation where he saw best to put distance between himself and actually both his parents, he said to me, "The best way that I can honor them is to live my life great irrespective of their choices." Hope you can work this out.

Rockerute, please don't spend a second worrying about our previous conversations. Seriously, I wasn't offended, upset, mad, peeved, disgusted, or even bothered in any way by what you said. I'm a person who loves dialectic. Some people would rather dialogue or argue, I'd rather just discuss all sides of something moving toward a better understanding of it. Dialectics are not for everyone, and many people view them as wankery, mental masturbation, or some other sexual metaphor for self-gratification applied to thinking. However, I will always engage when I see a chance for a dialectic. There have been many times in my adult life when dialectics have actually caused me to change formerly deeply held opinions.


Damn Waup.

You've got a lot of rough family crap to deal with.

Don't let it make you question yourself. You didn't create any of it, all you've tried to do is help. Some things in life are just out of our control, we try to do what we can.

I would try to focus your attention on your wife and kids. You are a good dude, try to make them happy.

Well, mine is not really any harder to bear than other stories I hear. We all carry burdens and secrets and horrors unspoken. There are many like mine, but this one is mine. Thank you for the kind words.


Wuap, you are the rock that your family goes to when they need advice, have problems, want affirmation, or seek a shoulder to cry on. It can be very emotionally, spiritually, and physically taxing to carry this burden and responsibility alone. I don't have good advice to give that you haven't already heard but I hope you find the strength you need to continue to be that rock.

I see other families, and sometimes I think, "I wish I had that." But, most of the time, I think, "OH THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE THAT." But, all though life is for living, life can be long, and we've got to be so strong, and the world is tough, and sometimes I feel I've had enough (of family).


Wuap, I'm sorry. I am trying (unsuccessfully) to imagine how trying all of that must be for you. I hope you get a break from it and a chance to recharge your batteries.

if it helps, I've been prepping for Easter Sunday next week and re-read this talk by Elder Wirthlin. Maybe it'll give you a lift:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/sunday-will-come?lang=eng

I might read that later. I respected Elder Wirthlin.

[clackamascoug]

Same thing happened to me 15 years ago. I did some research and concluded that although my parents are no longer sealed, I'm technically sealed to my father. Not that it matters, as long as I'm sealed to my wife and Jesus Christ. We all have wack jobs in our family, or we are the wacky, but I supposed resurrected people are less wacky than we are. The fact that you care means that you still believe. And that's what matters most. Oh.... and not being wacky for our kids.

[wuapinmon]

Same thing happened to me 15 years ago. I did some research and concluded that although my parents are no longer sealed, I'm technically sealed to my father. Not that it matters, as long as I'm sealed to my wife and Jesus Christ. We all have wack jobs in our family, or we are the wacky, but I supposed resurrected people are less wacky than we are. The fact that you care means that you still believe. And that's what matters most. Oh.... and not being wacky for our kids.

Yeah, I want to avoid this being my kids' experience growing up.

This Be the Verse


BY PHILIP LARKIN (http://www.poetryfoundation.org/bio/philip-larkin)

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

[LA Ute]

A bumper sticker with a view from the other side of the issue:

384

[wuapinmon]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_IPZX1n_gnIM/SPKFLyT3CUI/AAAAAAAABtU/QOurXo8ARUY/s400/Wreck_1.jpg

So, last night he tells my mom that six years ago, after his divorce, he heard a woman's full name in answer to a prayer about who he should marry. He didn't know anyone by that name, doesn't know anyone by that name, and hasn't found anyone by that name. But, he feels like he has to keep looking for her.

She's absolutely crushed, but still defending him. She's here with us right now, so at least I didn't have to do all of these conversations over the phone.

[Two Utes]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_IPZX1n_gnIM/SPKFLyT3CUI/AAAAAAAABtU/QOurXo8ARUY/s400/Wreck_1.jpg

So, last night he tells my mom that six years ago, after his divorce, he heard a woman's full name in answer to a prayer about who he should marry. He didn't know anyone by that name, doesn't know anyone by that name, and hasn't found anyone by that name. But, he feels like he has to keep looking for her.

She's absolutely crushed, but still defending him. She's here with us right now, so at least I didn't have to do all of these conversations over the phone.

What a sinister Mormon way to break up with a girl. That guy is a piece of work.

[Sullyute]

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_IPZX1n_gnIM/SPKFLyT3CUI/AAAAAAAABtU/QOurXo8ARUY/s400/Wreck_1.jpg

So, last night he tells my mom that six years ago, after his divorce, he heard a woman's full name in answer to a prayer about who he should marry. He didn't know anyone by that name, doesn't know anyone by that name, and hasn't found anyone by that name. But, he feels like he has to keep looking for her.

She's absolutely crushed, but still defending him. She's here with us right now, so at least I didn't have to do all of these conversations over the phone.

He sounds like a real romantic [eyeroll]. Sorry about your mom. I hope that she finds someone else that will make her happy.

[wuapinmon]

What a sinister Mormon way to break up with a girl. That guy is a piece of work.

Yep. That's exactly what my wife said. "He's using your mom's mystic tendencies to find a 'spiritual' way to break up with her."


He sounds like a real romantic [eyeroll]. Sorry about your mom. I hope that she finds someone else that will make her happy.

Well, she's still in love and defending him, hoping it'll work out. Mene, mene, tekel, parsin.

[clackamascoug]

I've posted enough about Hal.... about his intrustion into our lives, and his keen observations of family things long established.

Saturday, I go over to "my parents house" and there's no answer at the door. I have a box to drop off, so I number code the garage opener, and see that their car is there. I go in the house and call out, but no answer. I look out into the flowery backyard through the screen door, and there they are. I pause before opening the door and announcing myself, as I'm watching something wonderful. They are sitting in the familiy swing under the big tree laughing and holding hands. I pause a moment more, and wish to myself that I could have that same experience in my own life, holding hands in a swing and oozing love. It must feel good. I opened the door, and everything changed.

[wuapinmon]

http://smalbanynewyork.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/dog-vomit.jpg

[wuapinmon]

Well, it looks like I'm soon to have a stepfather and step-siblings. Nothing official yet, but she seems to be giddy about it.

I still haven't met him. She got him to come down to her house so we could meet him on GRADUATION DAY. I know I should be happy for her, but I think she's not unlike Gob Bluth right now. Since my dad died, I've had to watch out for her, and I feel like a parent must feel when their kid gets engaged.

UGH.

[Sullyute]

Well, it looks like I'm soon to have a stepfather and step-siblings. Nothing official yet, but she seems to be giddy about it.

I still haven't met him. She got him to come down to her house so we could meet him on GRADUATION DAY. I know I should be happy for her, but I think she's not unlike Gob Bluth right now. Since my dad died, I've had to watch out for her, and I feel like a parent must feel when their kid gets engaged.

UGH.

I am glad to hear that your mother is happy. It does seem like a pretty quick turn around from the last fellow that she split with. Hopefully he is a good guy and receives the wuap seal of approval.

[Ma'ake]

Wuapinmon,

I'm also glad your mom appears to be reasonably happy, at least for the moment. (After all, life is a long series of moments, we live them in order). Hopefully some patience and time will help clear things up and healing can continue / ensue.

This doesn't work for everyone, but sometimes it helps me to think about how things could be worse, try to add some perspective.

There's a guy I work with whose younger sister passed away, around age 36. She had 5 boys, including a pair of twins. Her first husband turned out to be child molester, and molested his own kids, and the twins, at age 16, diagnosed with Autism, are court-ordered to not be around other kids unless an adult is present. Divorced from husband #1, who is now in prison, she then got married to a quadraplegic vet, who did the best he could as a step-dad, but was in no condition to take over the kids after she passed away. On top of all that, I guess she was a big-leagure horder, and it took my co-worker an his other 9 siblings four days straight to clean out the apartment.

So, odds are this new guy, while not perfect, is better than a lot of other potential partners.

Life is very tough sometimes, but we find a way to get through it.

[wuapinmon]

I am glad to hear that your mother is happy. It does seem like a pretty quick turn around from the last fellow that she split with. Hopefully he is a good guy and receives the wuap seal of approval.

No, this is the same guy.

[wuapinmon]

Wuapinmon,

I'm also glad your mom appears to be reasonably happy, at least for the moment. (After all, life is a long series of moments, we live them in order). Hopefully some patience and time will help clear things up and healing can continue / ensue.

This doesn't work for everyone, but sometimes it helps me to think about how things could be worse, try to add some perspective.

There's a guy I work with whose younger sister passed away, around age 36. She had 5 boys, including a pair of twins. Her first husband turned out to be child molester, and molested his own kids, and the twins, at age 16, diagnosed with Autism, are court-ordered to not be around other kids unless an adult is present. Divorced from husband #1, who is now in prison, she then got married to a quadraplegic vet, who did the best he could as a step-dad, but was in no condition to take over the kids after she passed away. On top of all that, I guess she was a big-leagure horder, and it took my co-worker an his other 9 siblings four days straight to clean out the apartment.

So, odds are this new guy, while not perfect, is better than a lot of other potential partners.

Life is very tough sometimes, but we find a way to get through it.

When I was a kid, and I sang this John Lennon song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaqobsUzM1I

I didn't realize how true the line "life can be long, and you've got to be so strong" was going to be. Life is for living, but there are so many headaches in adulthood that I have to work sometimes to remind myself that we are that we might have joy, that we can pursue happiness, and that we strive to not live lives of quiet desperation.

[Sullyute]

No, this is the same guy.

Whoa, so he gave up his search for the mystery gal to be with your mom? That sounds kind of romantic... or flakey, depending on your perspective.

[wuapinmon]

Whoa, so he gave up his search for the mystery gal to be with your mom? That sounds kind of romantic... or flakey, depending on your perspective.

Apparently he did a Gob Bluth and admitted that he'd made a huge mistake. I think he's probably a decent guy, but that still seems pretty sinister, unless, of course, you believe that what he said happened happened. I'm a lifelong skeptic, so it's hard for me to buy that.