The thread for jokes worth telling

These can be lame as long as they make people laugh. Preferably clean!

I'll start with this one:

Quote:

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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

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A BYU fan went on to a Utah fan message board and tried to psychoanalyze Ute fans. . . .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by USS Utah

A BYU fan went on to a Utah fan message board and tried to psychoanalyze Ute fans. . . .

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Your comment seems representative of a someone with a fixation at the oral stage of their psycho-sexual development. Tell me more about your relationship with your mother...

Quote:

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A duck walks into a bar and climbs up on the stool. The bartender turns to him and asks "What do you want?"

"Got any grapes?" asks the duck.

"Of course not, this is a bar. We don't serve grapes."

So the duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day the duck again enters the bar, climbs up on the stool, and asks "Got any grapes?"

"You asked me that yesterday!" says the bartender, the volume of his voice slowly increasing, "I told you, we don't have grapes here, we serve drinks!! Now beat it!!!"

For a third day in a row, the duck waddles into the bar and asks the bartender for grapes.

"I told you, we DON'T SERVE GRAPES HERE! If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to grab my hammer and NAIL YOUR BILL TO THE BAR! Now GET LOST!"

On the fourth day the duck waddles in and again climbs up to the bar. The bartender gives him a look that says "I dare you."

The duck quietly asks the bartender, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Good...Got any grapes?"

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Can we please restrict this thread to good jokes?

A shepherd is sitting out in the field among his sheep and a guy pulls up in a really nice convertible luxury car, dressed to the nines. The man starts talking to the shepherd making small talk about the sheep business and finally says, "Listen, if I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sure!"

So the man pulls out a laptop that syncs to his smart phone, which connects him up to a satellite that takes an infrared image of his location. Next thing you know a report comes up on his screen and he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have 1100 sheep, 600 are females and 50 of those are pregnant."

The shepherd nods and says, "That's right... pick your animal." The man pleased with himself studies all of the animals and takes what he judges to be the best one. As he is loading it into the car the shepherd says to him, "If I can tell you what you do for a living can I have my animal back?" The man stops loading the animal and agrees, "Sure, what do you think I do for a living?"

Confidently the shepherd says, "You are a consultant."

Surprised he could guess that easily the man says, "How in the world did you know that?"

"You rolled up here in your fancy car uninvited and asked me a bunch of questions. You then proceeded to answer a question I already knew the answer to, and you don't know a damn thing about my business, so give me back my dog."

I told that to a consultant who was working for us once, he didn't think it was even slightly funny.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Rocker Ute

A shepherd is sitting out in the field among his sheep and a guy pulls up in a really nice convertible luxury car, dressed to the nines. The man starts talking to the shepherd making small talk about the sheep business and finally says, "Listen, if I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sure!"

So the man pulls out a laptop that syncs to his smart phone, which connects him up to a satellite that takes an infrared image of his location. Next thing you know a report comes up on his screen and he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have 1100 sheep, 600 are females and 50 of those are pregnant."

The shepherd nods and says, "That's right... pick your animal." The man pleased with himself studies all of the animals and takes what he judges to be the best one. As he is loading it into the car the shepherd says to him, "If I can tell you what you do for a living can I have my animal back?" The man stops loading the animal and agrees, "Sure, what do you think I do for a living?"

Confidently the shepherd says, "You are a consultant."

Surprised he could guess that easily the man says, "How in the world did you know that?"

"You rolled up here in your fancy car uninvited and asked me a bunch of questions. You then proceeded to answer a question I already knew the answer to, and you don't know a damn thing about my business, so give me back my dog."

I told that to a consultant who was working for us once, he didn't think it was even slightly funny.

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I laughed.

The military's advice to battle ISIS is by constant droning, but their memo spelled it "droaning" so POTUS sent Kerry to deliver speeches.

https://twitter.com/weknowwhatsbest/...86873493864449

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."


Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.


Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chrisrenrut

Our bishop was talking tonight about how we get "programmed" in the church to do things certain ways. He said he heard this in a talk and was a good illustration:


A primary teacher teaching asked a question to her class of 5 year olds:




"What is small, brown, furry, has a bushy tail, runs up and down trees, and hides nuts to eat during the winter?




The kids were silent. Little Johnny had a confused look on his face. He finally spoke and said:




"I know the answer is supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds a lot like a squirrel"!

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Copied from the "I Learned in Church Today" thread.

why did Paul Walker cross the road?


because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.


I know poor taste, and too soon.

Why is the tomato red?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

What did the proctologist say when he pulled a thermometer out of his pocket?

Some bum has my pen.

Stolen from twitter:

It's sad that nothing is made in America anymore. I just bought a new television and it said "Built in Antenna" and I don't even know where that is.

A boy in kindergarten gets up for "show and tell" and announces that his dog just had 10 puppies and adds, "and all of them are staunch Donald Trump supporters." The teacher is confused by that remark but wisely lets it go.

The next week the boy gets up and announces again that his dog had 10 puppies but this time says, "And they all can't stand Donald Trump."

"But Billie," the teacher says, "Last week you said they were all Trump supporters?"

"Yes," he replies, "But this week they opened their eyes."


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All of Russia's famous leaders are rising on a train that comes to a sudden stop. They get out and discover that there is no more track for the train to proceed. They all look at each other and each leader decides to solve the problem in the way they know best:

Lenin gets off the train to gather poor and impoverished villagers to come and finish the tracks.

Stalin, upset, gets out and shoots the entire crew on the train.

Khrushchev goes and closes all the blinds in their car, sits down and starts rocking back and forth and says, "Ah, the train is moving again!"

Gorbachev goes and gathers protestors who stand around the train shouting, "No more track! No more track!"

But Putin just sits there reading the newspaper. Incredulous the other leaders protest, "You are the current president! You of all people should be doing something to solve this problem."

Putin puts down his paper and says, "I am way ahead of you guys, look!"

They look out the window to discover Donald Trump and all of his White House staff out building the track.


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Q: How do Tusken raiders cheat on their taxes?

A: They always single file, to hide their numbers.