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Thread: The thread for jokes worth telling

  1. #1
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    The thread for jokes worth telling

    These can be lame as long as they make people laugh. Preferably clean!

    I'll start with this one:

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

    The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

    He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

    The group fell silent for a moment.

    The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

  2. #2
    A BYU fan went on to a Utah fan message board and tried to psychoanalyze Ute fans. . . .
    "It'd be nice to please everyone but I thought it would be more interesting to have a point of view." -- Oscar Levant

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by USS Utah View Post
    A BYU fan went on to a Utah fan message board and tried to psychoanalyze Ute fans. . . .
    Your comment seems representative of a someone with a fixation at the oral stage of their psycho-sexual development. Tell me more about your relationship with your mother...

    A duck walks into a bar and climbs up on the stool. The bartender turns to him and asks "What do you want?"

    "Got any grapes?" asks the duck.

    "Of course not, this is a bar. We don't serve grapes."

    So the duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

    The next day the duck again enters the bar, climbs up on the stool, and asks "Got any grapes?"

    "You asked me that yesterday!" says the bartender, the volume of his voice slowly increasing, "I told you, we don't have grapes here, we serve drinks!! Now beat it!!!"

    For a third day in a row, the duck waddles into the bar and asks the bartender for grapes.

    "I told you, we DON'T SERVE GRAPES HERE! If you come in here one more time asking for grapes, I'm going to grab my hammer and NAIL YOUR BILL TO THE BAR! Now GET LOST!"

    On the fourth day the duck waddles in and again climbs up to the bar. The bartender gives him a look that says "I dare you."

    The duck quietly asks the bartender, "Got any nails?"

    "No."

    "Good...Got any grapes?"

  4. #4
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    Can we please restrict this thread to good jokes?

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

  5. #5
    A shepherd is sitting out in the field among his sheep and a guy pulls up in a really nice convertible luxury car, dressed to the nines. The man starts talking to the shepherd making small talk about the sheep business and finally says, "Listen, if I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sure!"

    So the man pulls out a laptop that syncs to his smart phone, which connects him up to a satellite that takes an infrared image of his location. Next thing you know a report comes up on his screen and he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have 1100 sheep, 600 are females and 50 of those are pregnant."

    The shepherd nods and says, "That's right... pick your animal." The man pleased with himself studies all of the animals and takes what he judges to be the best one. As he is loading it into the car the shepherd says to him, "If I can tell you what you do for a living can I have my animal back?" The man stops loading the animal and agrees, "Sure, what do you think I do for a living?"

    Confidently the shepherd says, "You are a consultant."

    Surprised he could guess that easily the man says, "How in the world did you know that?"

    "You rolled up here in your fancy car uninvited and asked me a bunch of questions. You then proceeded to answer a question I already knew the answer to, and you don't know a damn thing about my business, so give me back my dog."

    I told that to a consultant who was working for us once, he didn't think it was even slightly funny.

  6. #6
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rocker Ute View Post
    A shepherd is sitting out in the field among his sheep and a guy pulls up in a really nice convertible luxury car, dressed to the nines. The man starts talking to the shepherd making small talk about the sheep business and finally says, "Listen, if I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sure!"

    So the man pulls out a laptop that syncs to his smart phone, which connects him up to a satellite that takes an infrared image of his location. Next thing you know a report comes up on his screen and he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have 1100 sheep, 600 are females and 50 of those are pregnant."

    The shepherd nods and says, "That's right... pick your animal." The man pleased with himself studies all of the animals and takes what he judges to be the best one. As he is loading it into the car the shepherd says to him, "If I can tell you what you do for a living can I have my animal back?" The man stops loading the animal and agrees, "Sure, what do you think I do for a living?"

    Confidently the shepherd says, "You are a consultant."

    Surprised he could guess that easily the man says, "How in the world did you know that?"

    "You rolled up here in your fancy car uninvited and asked me a bunch of questions. You then proceeded to answer a question I already knew the answer to, and you don't know a damn thing about my business, so give me back my dog."

    I told that to a consultant who was working for us once, he didn't think it was even slightly funny.
    I laughed.

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

  7. #7
    The military's advice to battle ISIS is by constant droning, but their memo spelled it "droaning" so POTUS sent Kerry to deliver speeches.

    https://twitter.com/weknowwhatsbest/...86873493864449
    "It'd be nice to please everyone but I thought it would be more interesting to have a point of view." -- Oscar Levant

  8. #8
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."


    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.


    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

  9. #9
    Sam the Sheepdog LA Ute's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chrisrenrut View Post
    Our bishop was talking tonight about how we get "programmed" in the church to do things certain ways. He said he heard this in a talk and was a good illustration:


    A primary teacher teaching asked a question to her class of 5 year olds:




    "What is small, brown, furry, has a bushy tail, runs up and down trees, and hides nuts to eat during the winter?




    The kids were silent. Little Johnny had a confused look on his face. He finally spoke and said:




    "I know the answer is supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds a lot like a squirrel"!
    Copied from the "I Learned in Church Today" thread.

    "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
    --Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold."
    --Yeats

    “True, we [lawyers] build no bridges. We raise no towers. We construct no engines. We paint no pictures - unless as amateurs for our own principal amusement. There is little of all that we do which the eye of man can see. But we smooth out difficulties; we relieve stress; we correct mistakes; we take up other men's burdens and by our efforts we make possible the peaceful life of men in a peaceful state.”

    --John W. Davis, founder of Davis Polk & Wardwell

  10. #10
    Senior Member Scorcho's Avatar
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    why did Paul Walker cross the road?


    because he wasn't wearing his seatbelt.


    I know poor taste, and too soon.

  11. #11
    Why is the tomato red?

    Because he saw the salad dressing!

  12. #12
    Administrator U-Ute's Avatar
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    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    To get to the idiot's house.

    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    The chicken.

  13. #13
    What did the proctologist say when he pulled a thermometer out of his pocket?

    Some bum has my pen.

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