I learned in Church today

[Rocker Ute]

"I learned both that baby Jesus never cried and also that he probably got in fights as a child with his siblings. These were both from the same person in two different comments. "

I'm not sure why but that cracks me up!

You aren't the only one. The incident went like this:

The lady commented in class that it bothered her when she saw depictions of the baby Jesus crying because he was perfect and she was certain he never cried. I made a sarcastic comment (shocking I know) along the lines of, "Yes, I'm sure that as an infant he would calmly say, 'I am hungry, but don't get up, I can make myself a sandwich or something...' I'm sure that he cried because that is how a baby communicates and a baby crying isn't a sin or imperfection even when it feels like it is."

So the class laughed and moved on and the teacher came back in her lesson about how He grew and waxed strong and grew in wisdom or whatever and the same lady said completely seriously, "You know he was probably just like you or me and got into little fights with his siblings..." It felt as if all eyes in the class turned to me for another smart-mouthed comment but I just kind of shrugged my shoulders... I was too busy entertaining myself with the, 'Jesus keeps coming over onto my side of the camel on purpose!' sort of thoughts.

I do struggle with the thought of Jesus-as-an-unruly-teenager-that-his-parents-are-just-hoping-something-clicks-and-he-turns-out-okay sort of thinking, but that is just me.

[Mormon Red Death]

Church was cancelled today Of course the missionaries walk over to our house unannounced in a blizzard.

I wonder if their mission president is retarded. There is a foot of snow on the ground and its a blizzard. Worst storm in 20 years and he tells them to go out on foot.

We were watching raiders of the lost ark and They came in and we had treats on the table and one of them remarked. "So we're not fasting today? "

I ended up giving them a ride home. We were the second house they visited. The other family just let them walk out in -11 weather and a blizzard.

What the hell is wrong with their mission president? He cares more about his cars being wrecked than the 18-21 year old kids he is supposed to watch over.

If it was my kid out there I would be livid. I guess generals don't really care for soldiers
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[hostile]

Our mission rule was if it was below -20 we didn't have to go out. The blizzard certainly adds a significant element of danger.

[UBlender]

What I learned in church today (again): 1:00 church is the worst thing ever and surely accounts for more inactivity in the church than all other factors combined. 1:00 church with the assignment to teach SIXTEEN five year olds is going to be the cause of my own inactivity.

[UteBeliever aka Port]

What I learned in church today (again): 1:00 church is the worst thing ever and surely accounts for more inactivity in the church than all other factors combined. 1:00 church with the assignment to teach SIXTEEN five year olds is going to be the cause of my own inactivity.

Lord help you. I thought 5 of them and afternoon church was bad enough.

[NorthwestUteFan]

Bring them treats every week, and twice as much on Fast Sunday.

[Slim]

What I learned in church today (again): 1:00 church is the worst thing ever and surely accounts for more inactivity in the church than all other factors combined. 1:00 church with the assignment to teach SIXTEEN five year olds is going to be the cause of my own inactivity.

I'm sorry brother. It's nice being back to 9:00 church, and I only have 4 (active) 9 year olds. I wish you well in your endeavor, 16 5 year olds is ridiculous, they need to split that class at least once.

[arizonaute]

if the person bearing a testimony says " i ll be short" they wont

[LA Ute]

I already knew this, but I was reminded last Sunday that some people think a testimony is really a talk, and it can last 10+ minutes.

[Rocker Ute]

I already knew this, but I was reminded last Sunday that some people think a testimony is really a talk, and it can last 10+ minutes.

This reminds me that a few years back we had a guy (actually fairly young) give about a 10 minute prayer at the end of Sacrament Mtg. It about killed me, but it was kid kryptonite... they were all passed out in the aisles with black ooze coming from their ears and noses.

[UTEopia]

I learned this a few years ago, but in a discussion about consecration the guy said "God wants everyone to drive a Mercedes."

[LA Ute]

This reminds me that a few years back we had a guy (actually fairly young) give about a 10 minute prayer at the end of Sacrament Mtg. It about killed me, but it was kid kryptonite... they were all passed out in the aisles with black ooze coming from their ears and noses.

You're stirring up all sorts of memories with this. Like the guy who sang a hymn as part of his testimony. All four verses. People were getting up and going out into the foyer. I led the way.

[chrisrenrut]

I'm more of a Cadillac guy.

Not thy will. . .

[Scorcho]

I got to stand in the circle and help set apart a missionary the other day. That's the first time I've been apart of that since my own mission. What a very cool spiritual experience.

Also, my parents got called to be a full-time missionaries in their own area while they live in their own home. That's a little bit different, but i've heard its becoming more and more common. There definitely seems to be some hastening of missionary work over the last little while.

[Rocker Ute]

You're stirring up all sorts of memories with this. Like the guy who sang a hymn as part of his testimony. All four verses. People were getting up and going out into the foyer. I led the way.

My all time favorite testimony meeting was when a guy declared his presidential candidacy from the pulpit (after explaining about a conspiracy of Bill Clinton to kill him). My eyes were fixated on the bishop as to what he would do... he hopped up and put his arm around him and whispered something in his ear... the guy nodded and said, "The Bishop says we are out of time , but if you want to hear more about this you can talk to me about it in the foyer."

We actually were out of time, I have no idea what he would have done had it been at the start of the meeting.

The best part though was after I thought everyone would avoid him like the plague and some did, but a large number of people went and gave him a hug and talked to him out in the foyer. The beauty of what some people think is open mic day.

[cald22well]

I already knew this, but I was reminded last Sunday that some people think a testimony is really a talk, and it can last 10+ minutes.

My girlfriend is scarred for life with her first ever LDS church experience being testimony meeting. Before church started, I had mentioned that I generally like testimony meeting because you can feel people's passion. Even though I am atheist, I have always felt this way. The look on her face when the first 'testimony' was a three year old boy being told what to say, followed by a middle aged woman who spent 10+ minutes talking about her recent geneology project and what she had found out about her family. She was thoroughly convinced that Mormons did not know the meaning of the word testimony.

[Scratch]

She was thoroughly convinced that Mormons did not know the meaning of the word testimony.

She was correct.

[jrj84105]

When I was a kid we had a regular speaker, a retiree who was more eccentric than senile, but a bit of both. In addition to admonitions not to drink cold water or eat green bananas, she tended to have a lot of spiritual experiences at fast food restaurants and gas stations (In fact after her death, her personage was witnessed by her husband to be floating alongside Jesus and Joseph Smith over the local Denny's). One such experience she related was that she and her husband were traveling and found a bag of someone's personal belongings under the table at McDonald's. They finished eating and left, but a few miles down the road she was prompted to return to McDonald's and turn the bag of clothing to the register person. That was the end of the story, but it was still one of her go to testimonies.


A few years later and about three hours from where I grew up my undergrad anthropology assignment was to visit a church and write about our experience. I went to an Eastern Orthodox church with my girlfriend and she decided to go to a Mormon church with me. It wasn't the first of the month so it must have been a conference month or something, but we unfortunately walked in on fast and testimony meeting. About halfway through a somewhat disheveled woman arose and began to speak. I could tell from reactions that this was a frequent flyer and that we might be in for a treat. She related the story of being on her last dime, homeless, and traveling with nothing more than the clothes on her back and a grocery bag full of her personal belongings which she left at McDonalds, but that a kind person turned in for her to recover.

That basically ruined any confidence that I will ever have in knowing anything for sure.

[Sullyute]

When I was a kid we had a regular speaker, a retiree who was more eccentric than senile, but a bit of both. In addition to admonitions not to drink cold water or eat green bananas, she tended to have a lot of spiritual experiences at fast food restaurants and gas stations (In fact after her death, her personage was witnessed by her husband to be floating alongside Jesus and Joseph Smith over the local Denny's). One such experience she related was that she and her husband were traveling and found a bag of someone's personal belongings under the table at McDonald's. They finished eating and left, but a few miles down the road she was prompted to return to McDonald's and turn the bag of clothing to the register person. That was the end of the story, but it was still one of her go to testimonies.


A few years later and about three hours from where I grew up my undergrad anthropology assignment was to visit a church and write about our experience. I went to an Eastern Orthodox church with my girlfriend and she decided to go to a Mormon church with me. It wasn't the first of the month so it must have been a conference month or something, but we unfortunately walked in on fast and testimony meeting. About halfway through a somewhat disheveled woman arose and began to speak. I could tell from reactions that this was a frequent flyer and that we might be in for a treat. She related the story of being on her last dime, homeless, and traveling with nothing more than the clothes on her back and a grocery bag full of her personal belongings which she left at McDonalds, but that a kind person turned in for her to recover.

That basically ruined any confidence that I will ever have in knowing anything for sure.

That is a great story!

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[LA Ute]

Spencer W. Kimball:

A testimony is not an exhortation; a testimony is not a sermon (none of you are there to exhort the rest); it is not a travelogue. You are there to bear your own witness. It is amazing what you can say in 60 seconds by way of testimony, or 120, or 240, or whatever time you are given, if you confine yourselves to testimony.

[Rocker Ute]

When I was a kid we had a regular speaker, a retiree who was more eccentric than senile, but a bit of both. In addition to admonitions not to drink cold water or eat green bananas, she tended to have a lot of spiritual experiences at fast food restaurants and gas stations (In fact after her death, her personage was witnessed by her husband to be floating alongside Jesus and Joseph Smith over the local Denny's). One such experience she related was that she and her husband were traveling and found a bag of someone's personal belongings under the table at McDonald's. They finished eating and left, but a few miles down the road she was prompted to return to McDonald's and turn the bag of clothing to the register person. That was the end of the story, but it was still one of her go to testimonies.


A few years later and about three hours from where I grew up my undergrad anthropology assignment was to visit a church and write about our experience. I went to an Eastern Orthodox church with my girlfriend and she decided to go to a Mormon church with me. It wasn't the first of the month so it must have been a conference month or something, but we unfortunately walked in on fast and testimony meeting. About halfway through a somewhat disheveled woman arose and began to speak. I could tell from reactions that this was a frequent flyer and that we might be in for a treat. She related the story of being on her last dime, homeless, and traveling with nothing more than the clothes on her back and a grocery bag full of her personal belongings which she left at McDonalds, but that a kind person turned in for her to recover.

That basically ruined any confidence that I will ever have in knowing anything for sure.

jrj84105 wins!

[Rocker Ute]

The look on her face when the first 'testimony' was a three year old boy being told what to say...

So legend in my family goes:

My grandparents lived in a small town in central Utah for a very long time they were well known in the community. He was a local school teacher, etc. My grandma had passed away a few years earlier and just a few months before my grandpa had a stroke that required him to live in assisted living my father gets a call from one of his old childhood friends who still lived in the small town. Apparently that fast Sunday my grandpa decided to give the testimony to end all testimonies and let a few common LDS practices have it. Your example of little children bearing testimonies told to them by their parents was top among the list. I'm uncertain of the exact quote of what he said but it was something like, "...and these parents who stand proudly behind their children and whisper in their ears as if they were the Holy Ghost..."

Apparently it wasn't well received. But by damn, he was right and our family has laughed about it ever since.

[LA Ute]

So legend in my family goes:

My grandparents lived in a small town in central Utah for a very long time they were well known in the community. He was a local school teacher, etc. My grandma had passed away a few years earlier and just a few months before my grandpa had a stroke that required him to live in assisted living my father gets a call from one of his old childhood friends who still lived in the small town. Apparently that fast Sunday my grandpa decided to give the testimony to end all testimonies and let a few common LDS practices have it. Your example of little children bearing testimonies told to them by their parents was top among the list. I'm uncertain of the exact quote of what he said but it was something like, "...and these parents who stand proudly behind their children and whisper in their ears as if they were the Holy Ghost..."

Apparently it wasn't well received. But by damn, he was right and our family has laughed about it ever since.

That practice drives me nuts. A related pet peeve: We have a couple of families on our ward who routinely bring their small children up to the pulpit and hold them while the parents bear their testimonies. The kids always want to grab the microphone, talk to their parents, cry, and generally distract everyone from what is being said. Of course, while everyone's time is being wasted that way, there are several people waiting to speak who probably have something they want to say.

[LA Ute]

My bishopbric occasionally reminds the congregation of this definition of a testimony. It always makes me think how boring the meeting would be if everyone stuck to that guideline. The best testimony meetings involve good stories. I love to hear what's important to others.

Stories are great. They should be short and related somehow to a testimony. The grandmas who talk about how wonderful their grandkids are, however....

On a related note, what is the age at which people forget that their kids were loud and energetic? It seems to happen to everyone at some point. I keep getting comments from older folks that the ward needs to do something to calm kids down during ward activities. They run and play in the halls and on the stage too much. I still remember running all over the church at activities when I was young. Why should the kids not be allowed to enjoy the ward activities too?

I agree. We need to take it easy on parents of young'uns. Still, a couple of our families (the same ones I mentioned earlier) regularly let their kids not only make the 20-yard dash up to the stand, but also get up on the stand and adorably wave to their parents. Only then do their parents recover them. The last time this happened, our bishop, a very easy-going guy, stepped completely out of character, picked up the kid, and took her back to her astonished parents while the speaker waited. I thought some people were going to stand up and cheer. Anyway, they haven't let that happen again. The other family still does, however. We always took our kids out when they got out of control....but I know that can be difficult when the kids outnumber the available parents.

[jrj84105]

That post brings back a lot of memories. I remember one 12 year old picked up by the first counseler and carried out of the building by his belt (sort of in the Tom Cruise dangling in air Mission Impossible pose) kicking, flailing, and screaming- granted he was pretty undersized for his age from living off a diet of adderall and pixie sticks.

The other was the family with 8 kids whose parents were completely oblivious to anything they did in the pew during sacrament meeting. The youngest one got his head and one arm stuck in one of those mesh sacks that oranges come in and he was for some reason gasping for air while flopping across the pew and into the aisle like a dolphin caught in fishing net. I've never seen the entirely bishopric laugh so hard, while his mother just continued to stare ahead with her frozen serene smile. He made it about five or six rows down the aisle before someone reached down and performed the catch and release.

[Sullyute]

Jrj, you are killing it in this thread. Keep the stories coming.

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[San Diego Ute Fan]

An elderly lady in our ward bore a sweet, yet powerful testimony in our ward years ago. When she finished, she walked out the rear door.

After the meeting we discovered her on the sofa in the foyer asleep. When attempts to wake her for Sunday School failed, we realized she had died. That's how I'd like to exit this existence.


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[San Diego Ute Fan]

When I was a teen, a guy in our ward confirmed his freshly baptized 8 year old son. It was done on the podium during testimony meeting.

After a lovely and appropriate confirmation, he picked the kid up, chair and all, and displayed him turning side to side like a baby after a name and blessing prayer.

The guy was a proctologist with a very well developed sense of humor.

Spectacular.


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[Scorcho]

one gripe I have with Testimony Meetings is when there is a brief moment of enjoyable silence between speakers and inevitably someone will get up and explain that they couldn’t stand the silence or let the time go by. Sometimes sitting in the chapel in silence can be just as meaningful, can’t it? I think so.

[UTEopia]

I didn't learn this in church today, but there was a recent article in the SLTrib about a study done on LDS missionary and retention efforts. It pegs the "active mormons" at 4.5 million or about 30% worldwide. It is an interesting read and the numbers it suggests are in-line with a study I read 15 years or so ago by some people at Ricks College. The LDS Church never publicly addresses the huge problem of retention, but I know that they are trying to address the issue in a variety of ways.

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/lifesty...rowth.html.csp